Femme, Fat, and Objectified on Grindr?

This Op-ed is a response to an Out Magazine Op-ed that can be found here: http://www.out.com/news-opinion/2017/3/30/fat-femme-flourishing-grindr


Femme, Fat, and Objectified on Grindr?

In a world that consistently looks to destroy the current gender binary I often wonder at what cost? As a queer identifying person I walk a line wondering when my sexual liberation is verging on self-degradation.

I recently read an Op-ed from OUT Magazine by Toyota Corona entitled, “Fat, Femme, and Flourishing on Grindr.” I’m lucky to have people like Toyota in my sphere discussing their views courageously. I responded initially on her Facebook post that, “This is everything.” I still commend her, but my response isn’t wholeheartedly positive as it was after my first read.

Toyota is brilliant in pointing out how many men desire exploring their feminine side and in owning her fem identity more men have taken solace in her. She lists off her experiences on Grindr from being shamed to countless fulfilling sexual encounters. Yet nowhere in the piece does Toyota find love. Her fulfillment comes from pride in the social status of guys who would sleep with her because she was femme.

This isn’t unique to Toyota, and I don’t intend to sexually shame her. I want to ask her if she ever wants to be more than a one night stand.  There’s a brief point where she says she’s not looking to perpetuate femme submissiveness as a kink, yet her actions say otherwise. She is trying to preach femme empowerment in the context of an app that leaves even gay men feeling degraded with its inherent misogyny.

Dating and sex apps have changed the dating game for everyone. Presenting a curated version of ourselves in order to compete with the masses for companionship. Mix in the unique challenges of being anything other than heteronormative and the issues that stem from our current dating culture increase.

As queer people we push the confines of heteronormativity, transgressing it to show our otherness is here and worth loving. There are times though when I feel like a rootless tree, wanting an origin and a sense of what it means to be in a loving “normal” relationship. We are inescapably products of heteronormative relationships.  Though we should push the limits of our experiences I think it’s also important to reflect on what brought us into existence—how it is significant in our desire and in our transgressions.

There are so many ways to be a woman, and that’s something our society is still recognizing. When I reflected on your piece I’m left wondering if there was a place in the queer community for queer women that modeled some of the same behavior the strong heterosexual women I know do. Women who want to be valued and respected for their intellect and their kindness, not solely their sexuality. You are breaking the ground on a topic few have yet to touch, I commend you for your bravery, but I think we have a lot of thinking to do about what it means to be a woman and what it means to love and respect ourselves beyond our sexual currency in general.